The Tragic Optimist

where am I? Or, where I am

I’ve noticed that I’ve been extremely reluctant to talk (or write, for that matter) about how things are going recently.  Well, not even all that recently, for the past few months I’ve been avoiding conversations about what’s going on in my life and just giving brief one-word answers, usually of the “fine” variety whenever anyone asks me how anything is going.

I’ve always been a bit reluctant to talk about my pregnancies, though usually not quite to this degree.  I don’t really want to complain about being pregnant, and happily, I have no real reason to complain, but neither do I feel any real need to gush about how wonderful gestating is.  And honestly, most people don’t really want hear too much that’s pregnancy related.  But that’s still no reason for me to be blowing people off, or getting annoyed when I’m asked how things are going.  And so I usually just tell people I’m so focused on the move that I haven’t really thought much about the pregnancy.  But if someone asks me about the house and the move?  I still just clam up and it’s like all my thoughts disappear when anyone asks, and I’m left feeling annoyed at myself for having nothing to say, and annoyed that I’m supposed to have something to say.   And that makes even less sense to me.  I’ve always found moving and looking for houses to be pretty fascinating – especially when it’s other people doing it.  So there’s a chance that people who ask me about it aren’t just being polite, they might actually want to know how the whole sell/buy/move thing is going.

It feels a lot like when I take poorly-planned trips.  This happens more often than I should, usually when I’ve kind of forgotten that I have a conference coming up (or in planning for the conference, forgotten to plan for the actual getting-there part), and I end up on a plane with some idea of where I’m supposed to end up, but with only vague intermediary steps.  I’ve taken enough of these trips that I know that I will be able to get myself where I need to go, I just have to let go of knowing how it’ll happen (and it tends to lead to me not taking the most direct or easiest or fastest route).  I try not to do this on any trips with another person, because the downside of not having to plan is that I end up going into a super tunnel vision mode where I can only focus on where I am and what my immediate next step is.  Don’t ask about where I’ve been, or what I’ll do two steps down the line, just get me to the next step and I’ll figure it out from there.  Definitely doesn’t work well if I’m traveling with someone else.  And it means missing out on a lot of the great scenery along the way.  I feel like I’m in that same mode now, except that I’ve been in this mode since February and there are other people along for the ride this time.  I’m hoping that the new house will correspond to our destination and I can get out of this mode and start looking around a bit more and see what I’ve been missing.

This feels like a terribly self-indulgent post, but it feels better to make myself step back and see where I am.  There are many other people helping us out and I know that we’ll get there, and that some people – our realtor, for example – even know the fast and direct routes.  And I apologize if I’ve blown you off at all if you’ve asked how I am.

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3 Comments

  1. I hear ya. There are so many things that I just don’t talk to people about. It’s just… easier somehow.

  2. I’ve often felt the same way. I just feel weird talking about myself. Sometimes it is easier to give a polite, “fine.” Especially when I’m really stressed about the subject at hand.

    If you need it, I give you permission to give a ‘fine’ and move on. If you don’t feel like gushing, don’t feel obligated.

  3. yay!!! wow so much to congratulate you on, yay baby and yay new house! so happy for you! hope things settle down for you soon so you can just breathe and take it all in!

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