thoughts from a stall
I took an ovulation predictor kit this afternoon in the college library’s bathroom – it’s where I work. The library. Not the bathroom therein. As I sat there waiting for the dang thing to give me it’s answer, I thought about the fact that anyone going through the trash in this stall would probably think it was a pregnancy test. On a campus where people take lots of tests, I imagine that those of the pee-on-a-stick variety are usually pregnancy tests. And the women that take the tests in bathroom stalls are probably hoping for negatives.
I also thought about how these stupid tests take way too long to give you an answer and how much I hate waiting for the stupid happy face that means ovulation, or the empty circle that tells you try again tomorrow. I don’t really spend all that much time thinking about the fact that we’re trying, it comes up occasionally, but for the most part, I’ve been keeping myself busy thinking about other things. Like the fact that we may be trying to move to a bigger house (gah). More on that some other time. But when I have to take these stupid ovulation predictor kit tests, I have nothing to do but sit there and watch the stupid stick for an answer. It’s part of the reason I stopped taking my temperature, and why will not take a pregnancy test and instead just find out the old fashioned way that it didn’t work this month. That time while waiting for the thermometer to beep, or the test to flash an answer is time that I’m just in my head, thinking about the fact that we’re trying, steeling myself for a negative result, all the while hoping for a positive one, peeking to see if there’s a result yet, and then going back into my head and my thoughts.
It ended up being positive. It’s the 10th (11th? I’ve lost count) time I’ve ovulated since March, so I shouldn’t be surprised anymore that my body seems to be working this time around. But two years of uncooperative ovaries has really skewed my trust in my body. I keep expecting that this month will be the month that the shoe falls, or that the ovaries go back to their uncooperative ways. But no. There’s still hope. And in two weeks, I won’t test. I’ll wait for my body to tell me what’s up. Because I don’t want to sit in that space in my head waiting for a test to give me its results.
- Posted in: infertility