The Tragic Optimist

6 months one hand, half a year the other

It’s been 6 months now since we decided to start trying to get pregnant again.  I haven’t posted much about it, which was pretty much my plan.  At this point when we were trying for Zoe, I had had 4 “normal” cycles, and then completely stopped ovulating, and had already been to the doctor to see what was going on.  She gave me couple of blood tests, a prescription for provera to start my period, a pat on the hand, and assurances that certainly that’s all I would need, but if I didn’t get my period again, I should wait a full 90 days before coming back for more tests and treatment.  None of this coming in after only 50 days of no period.  And so off we went on our journey.  If nothing else, it was easy to know that something was wrong, and that we needed help.  This time around, though, my body is pretty much ticking along doing what it’s supposed to – except for the whole getting knocked up thing.

So I’m in this weird limbo of unexplored territory.  As far as I can tell, things are going fine, and I’m very aware of how silly it is to complain about not conceiving after 6 months.  I mean really, who complains about that?  (um, apparently me).  But it’s not like things are working out, either.  Am I back to infertile country even though it  hasn’t been a year of trying?  Did I ever leave?  Does it even matter in the end?  Is going in before a year giving up on my body too soon?  Is waiting and continuing to try on our own just staying in denial?  I don’t want to go back in for treatments – I don’t think anyone in their right minds wants to do that – but I don’t want to waste anymore time, either.  I have this strange feeling of being an impostor, of using my previous infertility as a way to get in for testing and treatments earlier than I should, but I’m pretty sure that’s stupid.

So I called the clinic.  And since it’s been over 3 years since my last appointment, I have to fill out all the forms all over again: the 13 page medical history form, the new patient registration form, the insurance verification form, the authorization to transfer medical information.  The medical history form is it’s own type of torture, though occasionally giving us the opportunity to talk about the important issues: “honey, have you ever exposed your genitals to high heat?”   (As Chris mentioned below, the answer is no, which meant there really wasn’t much to talk about.)   And the question that really got me: “Describe any emotional problems caused by your infertility.”  They provide less than half a line for your answer.

It’s a busy time at work, and I don’t have a lot of emotional reserves – not that work has been bad, I love this time of year, but it’s draining as we get ready to launch into the new academic year.  And here I am with my own homework, my own graduation requirements that I have to fulfill before I can even get to see the doctor.  Each question on the worksheet is tempting me to back out, to procrastinate just a little longer, to think that maybe if I just wait another month, it will happen.  But I’ve managed to fill it out.  Pulled out my old file to get the dates and tests and the results.  Talked with an extremely helpful insurance rep about my coverage.  Just need to send it all in now.  Off we go.

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13 Comments

  1. For the record, the answer is “no, I have not”.

  2. Michelle

    I’m not sure what to say here–I guess mostly I want to say that I’m thinking of you, and wishing the very best for you.

  3. Willy

    Thanks for answering the question we all wanted to know the answer to. Does the form quantify how high qualifies as high heat?

    • You know, that was part of the annoying part. It does not quantify “excessive heat.” Perhaps it’s like obscenities, you know it when you feel it? I also like the question “Are you now or have you ever seen a urologist?” It has such a nice McCarthyist feel to it.

      • Willy

        I saw one once. She looked like most other doctors. 😉

  4. MomZ

    Definitely thinking about you and sending encouragement,

  5. naschaka

    Hang in there Ann. We’ll talk soon.

  6. I don’t know about your diagnosis and treatment history, but I didn’t wait a year before going back to the clinic. (I guess I *technically* did, because I had my AF back for 12 months and we weren’t preventing. But I was also breastfeeding and my cycles were wacky from that, so I didn’t give it 12 months of a REAL opportunity.) Yes, I wondered if I was pushing it, going in to see the clinic after only 6 months of “really” trying. But emotionally, I knew I couldn’t take any more of the rollercoaster. It wasn’t like starting on cycle #1… it was like picking right back up on cycle #23. I was anxious to go through the treatment DH and I agreed on (two IUIs) and if those didn’t work, we would accept our family of three. In retrospect, even though we are now pregnant with twins and will have a two-year-old when they are born, I don’t have any regrets.

    Sorry for blathering on about myself, I just wanted to share that you aren’t alone, and I don’t think it’s stupid at all to go back to the doc already.

  7. *sigh* I so hear you. Will surely be posting about this in the near future as it is making me crazy – again! Go figure. ug! Pulling! Out! Hair!

  8. Alison S

    Just to let you know, we’re thinking of you and rooting for you, and I understand being upset after 6 months, Kaylee took 6 months and I was at my wit’s end, so you have every right to complain. 🙂 Hope to see you soon. Kaylee mentions Zoe now and then, and I hope they get to play together soon.

  9. grr how frustrating that you have to do all the paperwork again! glad you got it done though, that must have been tough! is there a long waiting list now, or do they start treatments right away?

    And don’t feel bad about being distraught and hurt after 6 months, that is a long time! I remember hitting the 6 month mark, it was very hard and disappointing!

    I am sending lots of baby dust your way!

  10. Oh, there was no way I was going to wait even one month before going back to the clinic when trying for #2. This girl is not going back to the old fashioned method. That’s so 20th century.

    Good luck. I hope your journey this time is short.

  11. I don’t think it matters that ‘only’ six months have gone by. It is all such familiar territory I’m sure it feels like you never left.

    And the single line provided to answer “Describe any emotional problems caused by infertility”? Maybe they knew they only needed to allow enough room for “See attached.”

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