6 months one hand, half a year the other
It’s been 6 months now since we decided to start trying to get pregnant again. I haven’t posted much about it, which was pretty much my plan. At this point when we were trying for Zoe, I had had 4 “normal” cycles, and then completely stopped ovulating, and had already been to the doctor to see what was going on. She gave me couple of blood tests, a prescription for provera to start my period, a pat on the hand, and assurances that certainly that’s all I would need, but if I didn’t get my period again, I should wait a full 90 days before coming back for more tests and treatment. None of this coming in after only 50 days of no period. And so off we went on our journey. If nothing else, it was easy to know that something was wrong, and that we needed help. This time around, though, my body is pretty much ticking along doing what it’s supposed to – except for the whole getting knocked up thing.
So I’m in this weird limbo of unexplored territory. As far as I can tell, things are going fine, and I’m very aware of how silly it is to complain about not conceiving after 6 months. I mean really, who complains about that? (um, apparently me). But it’s not like things are working out, either. Am I back to infertile country even though it hasn’t been a year of trying? Did I ever leave? Does it even matter in the end? Is going in before a year giving up on my body too soon? Is waiting and continuing to try on our own just staying in denial? I don’t want to go back in for treatments – I don’t think anyone in their right minds wants to do that – but I don’t want to waste anymore time, either. I have this strange feeling of being an impostor, of using my previous infertility as a way to get in for testing and treatments earlier than I should, but I’m pretty sure that’s stupid.
So I called the clinic. And since it’s been over 3 years since my last appointment, I have to fill out all the forms all over again: the 13 page medical history form, the new patient registration form, the insurance verification form, the authorization to transfer medical information. The medical history form is it’s own type of torture, though occasionally giving us the opportunity to talk about the important issues: “honey, have you ever exposed your genitals to high heat?” (As Chris mentioned below, the answer is no, which meant there really wasn’t much to talk about.) And the question that really got me: “Describe any emotional problems caused by your infertility.” They provide less than half a line for your answer.
It’s a busy time at work, and I don’t have a lot of emotional reserves – not that work has been bad, I love this time of year, but it’s draining as we get ready to launch into the new academic year. And here I am with my own homework, my own graduation requirements that I have to fulfill before I can even get to see the doctor. Each question on the worksheet is tempting me to back out, to procrastinate just a little longer, to think that maybe if I just wait another month, it will happen. But I’ve managed to fill it out. Pulled out my old file to get the dates and tests and the results. Talked with an extremely helpful insurance rep about my coverage. Just need to send it all in now. Off we go.
- Posted in: infertility