The snow is finally starting to melt, after light rains yesterday and today. I dislike this time of year, it’s too early for any green here, but what snow is left is dirty and grey, and everything just looks grungy and ugly. But on our drive home from work I noticed the snow on the farm fields was mostly gone and underneath was the black, black Minnesota soil. That soil is the first thing I remember noticing when I came to visit Minnesota for the first time, and it still catches me by surprise. I’ve never seen such rich, dark soil. Such lovely, fertile soil.
Later this evening, I was talking with a friend about houses. She asked me if more kids were in our future. Why is this such a hard question? Why can’t I simply give the (correct) three little answer, “I don’t know”? Instead, I always ramble on about how we’re thinking about it, but we haven’t decided, we’re still a little overwhelmed with this parenting thing, and we’d probably want to space our kids out by about 3 years, and oh yeah, ittookalongtimetogetpregnantthefirsttimeandIdon’tknowifIwanttofacethatagain. Breath. I wonder sometimes if we’d have the same uncertainty of whether or not to have more kids if we hadn’t had the fertility problems. I’m sure that if there wasn’t the infertility, I wouldn’t have this looming sense of needing to decide soon, even though I don’t want to be pregnant or even start trying again right away. I know that there are women who had trouble conceiving their first and then go on to conceive a second easily. But I haven’t gotten my period again since getting pregnant. I have no idea whether my body will decide to cooperate or not. I feel pretty out of touch with how my reproductive bits are doing right now.
This has added to my decision to try to wean Zoe next month. That will be 18 months of nursing – when Zoe was first born, I had planned on nursing a year and had no context for what it might mean to continue nursing past that point. I’m glad we’ve continued, though we’re down to just nighttime and morning nursings now. I’m proud of our nursing relationship, and that we’ve gone so far, but I’ve never felt the love for breastfeeding that some women talk about. Still, I already know that I’ll miss our nursing sessions a lot and I’m not really looking forward to the weaning. (But getting to wear normal bras again? That will rock).