Last thoughts on that bitterness post
I wanted to clarify on the story in my post about the bitterness seeping back in. The friend who called her midwife before conceiving is a dear friend, and one of the most down-to-earth people I know. I hope that it didn’t come across as bitterness towards her so much as it is envy towards her and bitterness towards the stupidity that is infertility and the fact that even when I’m not actively trying, infertility can still rear its ugly head and dampen my excitement for my friends. I’m well aware that the envy is a funny thing and I know that there are many parts of my life that someone else may find themselves envying. I don’t want to come across as someone who thinks her particular problem is so much worse than everyone else’s.
One of the comments mentioned that people like telling conception / birth stories, and I think it’s the conception stories that really bring out the green-eyed jealous monster in me. I know they’re generally offered as being part of a family’s story and not (usually) as bragging, but I’m still envious. I want to have a conception story that I can tell with a bit of a wink: that it was a result of making up from a big fight, or happened between church services on Christmas Eve, or even that it was just from good old reliable missionary position sex. When people say “I know what you were doing 9 months before your daughter was born” I want them to be right. But Zoe’s conception happened when Chris went in to the clinic one morning and then I followed about an hour and a half later, and laid down on the doctor’s table, and the nice nurse used a catheter to work the magic. The result of that magic? Wonderful, beautiful, sweet, and recently, pretty silly. I wouldn’t trade her for the best conception story in the world. I just wish I was more at peace with our story. It’s funny too, in some ways I’m very proud of Zoe’s conception – proud that we persevered and that infertility didn’t break me. Because sometimes it felt like it would. But that pride hasn’t lent me comfort with the story yet – I haven’t found the right way to tell the story.
- Posted in: infertility