bitterness starting to slowly seep back in
Just got blindsided by two pregnancy announcements in the past 3 days. In retrospect, I should have guessed that both were coming since both women had mentioned that they would probably be trying soon. My one friend is pregnant with her second child and is already 6 months along and somehow I hadn’t caught on. When I was in the middle of the infertility treatments, I used to have a great pregnancy radar (pregdar?) and could anticipate the pregnancy announcements and at least steel myself ahead of time. But then I had those blissful months when the bitterness at hearing about pregnancies just went away, and my pregdar got a bit rusty, and ultimately failed me, and now I’m stinging a bit from these latest two hits.
It’s not that I’m not happy for them. I really am very happy for both families, it’s great news for everyone involved, but today while everyone was happily chattering away about baby things, I felt that familiar pasted on smile and quietness come over me when I’m trying not to rain on anyone’s parade by letting my bummedoutedness and out-and-out envy show.
That was particularly hard this weekend when my friend’s husband spilled the beans that she was expecting their second. Someone then asked if she’d be using her same midwife. Oh yes, she says, in fact, before they even conceived, they called the midwife to make sure she’d be in town during the “window of time” they were planning to give birth. Ok, so they were not only confident enough of conceiving quickly to give the medical professionals a year’s warning, but they were so unconcerned about conceiving that they were willing to put off trying if it happened that this midwife was going to be busy at that time? It kind of blew my mind – these people are not like me. Sort of like when a colleague at the school I work at asked me if I’d timed things so that Zoe’s birth would fit the best time to be on leave in the academic calendar. Not exactly – I’d timed things so that my baby’s birth would correspond to about 9 months after the fertility treatments that worked.
I’m sure that part of my recent unease with pregnancy announcements is that Chris and I have been talking about whether or not we want a second child. I have promised myself that I won’t make a decision until my birthday, since I wouldn’t start trying again until then anyway.** I’m not sure we’re leaning strongly one way or another right now. Some days it seems like there’s no question – of course we’ll have a second child. Other days, I think to myself how happy I am that, for instance, Zoe is past the wake up and nurse every two hours. Then I remember that we’d have to go through that again if we had a second. And the poopsplosion blow-out diapers, I’m so glad to be done with them, except that we aren’t if we have another. But then I look at my friends that have two kids and realize how much I enjoy watching siblings interact. If I’m honest though, the thing that scares me the most about the idea of trying to have a second is having to face the infertility again. I’ve told some friends that we would quite possible try for a second, but if it didn’t happen, we’d be ok with having Zoe as our only child. But that’s a complete and utter lie. I know that if I decide that I want to try to conceive, I’ll go for it with my whole heart, which means that I’ll be heartbroken at the unsuccessful attempts, and I won’t be willing to just give up and be content with our little family of three.
I’m not really looking for any advice on making the decision by the way. Like I said, I’m not committing to any decision until June, I’m just letting out these thoughts that are rattling in my brain. Maybe airing them a bit will give me more space to think.
**(Unlike my friend whose plan was to call her midwife, and then get pregnant, my plan is a bit more complicated – but still in my mind, optimistic: try for 6 months, call the RE, wait 2 months for an appointment, wait a month for results of testing, start treatment, possibly conceive 3-6 months later, for a total wait time of only ~21-24 months from trying to baby – maybe I should call a midwife now and make sure she’s not booked up 2 1/2 years from now).