losing the bitter thoughts
I was talking with a pregnant friend the other day. She told me about how worried she had been that it would take her a long time to conceive, and how pleasantly surprised she was to conceive quickly. Later in the conversation, she asked if it was still hard for me – especially to hear stories like hers. Now here’s the thing, if someone had asked me the same question mere minutes prior to this conversation, I’d have said that I still feel a pang of bitterness when I hear stories of women who conceive easily. But that didn’t happen. I didn’t even think about it until she asked if it bothered me. It was nice to realize that maybe the bitterness is starting to fade. I do think that a big part of it is that I do not want to be pregnant at this moment. Not in the least little tiny bit. I love Zoe, and I’m loving spending time with her, and I cannot imagine dealing with her at this age and being pregnant at the same time. I know that plenty of women do it, but I don’t think I could. But that’s a topic for another post perhaps.
I have to admit, that it feels a little strange to give up the bitterness. There’s a part of me that wants to hold on, that likes having something to rant about and to feel bitter about. I’m not proud of that part of me, but it’s definitely there. And I don’t want to suggest that having Zoe has cured my infertility. I’m well aware that that isn’t how things work. Conversations about if and when we try for a second child make me anxious, and I know that there have been and will still be times when I feel the sting. But for now I’m going to relish my relative lack of bitterness.